“*Ugh.* I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I dropped the ball again!”
“Why do I always do this to myself???”
“I’m such a disappointment!”
Can you relate to this type of harsh commentary from yr inner critic?
I know I sure can. Heck. There are some days when the inner verbal abuse is so loud that the term “inner critic” almost sounds quaint.
On those days, it’s more like:
- Inner Tyrant
- The Dictator Within
- My Inner Judge, Jury, & Executioner
Regardless of what you call that hypercritical inner monologue, two things are clear:
- Left unchecked, it’ll make you feel super shitty 😭
- Self-Compassion is one of the best antidotes to that self-worth wrecking ball.
Why scientific praxis is often more important than (mere) inquiry
Like I said in my About Page, I’ve spent the past few years reading thousands of academic research papers. Mostly so that I could translate what I’ve read into lay people’s terms. Thus saving others from having to read the same dry, dense material….
…You’re welcome lol
Anyway, as a genuine nerd, I’ve always believed that academic research is important.
That said, I’ve also long-believed that research begins to lose its importance & relevance the longer it stays locked in the Ivory tower.
This is especially true in the area of self-compassion research.
Compassion & Self-Compassion: Defined
Before we get too deep into the self-compassionate weeds, let’s first start with some definitions.
In the intro to his book A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to Be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives, Thupten Jinpa writes:
“Broadly defined, compassion is a sense of concern that arises when we are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to see that suffering relieved”
What I like about this definition is it’s clarity. Jinpa articulates that compassion isn’t just a passive emotion. Rather it’s one that activates us to take action. makes clear compassion hat definition is a great starting place.
Now let’s see how this definition applies to self-compassion?
You could say that, a good working definition of self-compassion would be something like: “the sense of concern that arises when we become mindfully aware of our own pain/suffering and feel motivated to act.”
One of the most commonly used self-compassion models, developed by Kristin Neff, has three distinct components:
- Mindfulness/present moment awareness of the pain we’re experiencing. Be it physical pain, emotional pain, relational pain, or spiritual pain (ie: “Dark Night of the Soul”).
- A recognition of our common humanity. Including the fact that pain is an inevitable part of life.
- Kindness/care towards the acknowledged pain.
Why should folks with ADHD care?
Self-Compassion Research More Broadly
Since 2000, a metric buttload of clinical research has been done on self-compassion. And the results are truly astounding!
It’s been shown to help cope with and/or heal from a wide range of disorders & difficult life circumstances. And by “wide range” I mean really really wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
Here is just a (partial) list with 18 examples:
- Trauma – PTSD, C-PTSD, Sexual Assault,
- Eating disorders – General Disordered Eating, Bulimia, Anorexia
- Self-esteem – Body Dysmorphia, Toxic Masculinity, Narcissism
- Depression – Suicidal Ideation, Dysthymia, Major Depression
- Anxiety – Social Anxiety, Anxious Attachment Style, Generalized Anxiety
- LGBTQIA+ Specific Issues – Gay Men’s Wellbeing, Stigma, LGBTQIA+ Youth Resilience
Self-Compassion Research – ADHD-Specific
In addition to this research, an increasing number of studies recently have been done to understand the positive impact self-compassion has on ADHD:
- Self-compassion and Perceived Criticism in Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) – Article published in the journal Mindfulness by Danielle Beaton, Fuschia M Sirois, & Elizabeth Milne (2020)
- The Relationship of Self-Compassion and ADHD Symptomatology to the Wellbeing and Academic Achievement of College Students – PhD Dissertation by Zachary Williamson (2019)
- Self-Processes of Acceptance, Compassion, and Regulation of Learning in University Students with Learning Disabilities and/or ADHD – Article published in the journal Learning Disabilities: Research & Practice by David Willoughby & Mary Ann Evans (2019)
tl;dr
The findings of all this research is that practicing self-compassion would likely be *HIGHLY* beneficial for folks with ADHD. This is largely due to ADHDers arguably experiencing more frequent failures, social rejection, and other life difficulties than neurotypical folks.
Now, having taken in all the above info, I can imagine you sitting there thinking:
“Wow! It looks like practicing self-compassion might help with my inner demons!
Ok cool. Great!
Yup. That makes sense…
…um yeah. only the thing is.
….ok. Question 🙋🏿♀️
…what exactly do you mean by practice? And how can I go about actually doing said practice?”
5 Ways GAYDHDers Can Practice Self-Compassion in Daily Life
1. Take a Quick Self-Compassion Break
In those moments when you feel inadequate, ashamed, incompetent, etc for your ADHD symptoms flaring up, take a 5 min guided self-compassion break.
- For those who prefer their guided meditations/visualizations to come from deeper (aka “male”) voices, here’s Chris Germer’s version.
- For those who prefer to listen to higher (aka “female”) voices, here’s Kristin Neff’s version.
2. Self-Compassionate Journaling
Just before bed, try doing a bit of self-compassionate journaling. This is where you take a few minutes outside of the daily grind to do some reflection.
The primary aim of self-compassionate journaling is to help you reframe those difficult moments of your day.
It can help shift your perspective from the typical feelings of shame, blame, & resentment that result from the stress of daily life to the three core components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, & kindness.
A real world example of self-compassionate journaling
For example, let’s say you & your partner had a big blow-up over some minor issue. As a result you’ve spent the past few hours ruminating about what happened. And with every instant-replay of the scene in yr mind, the feelings of shame and self-recrimination grow larger and larger.
In this case, three good journaling prompts could be:
- “What do these feelings of shame & remorse actually feel like? Ie: What bodily sensations are happening? What thoughts are going through my mind? What impulses/action tendencies am I being pushed toward?” (Mindfulness)
- “How can I depersonalize this situation? What would I say to a close friend who was feeling the way I am now? How does what I’m experiencing right now fit into larger narratives/archetypes from mythology, history, etc?” (Common Humanity)
- “How can I be gentle/kind with myself in this moment? What do I need right now? (Kindness)
P.S. If journaling is your jam, check out these other lists of self-compassion prompts:
- 30 Self-Compassion Journal Prompts for Stress Relief at Calming Grace
- 25 Questions for Cultivating Self-Compassion at Psych Central
3. Take a course and/or join a regular practice group.
If you spend even 5 minutes poking yr head around ADHD resources—be they blogs, podcasts, books, or YouTube channels—yr bound to see the same accommodation suggestion pop up again and again:
“Find someone to be a Body Double and/or an Accountability Partner.”
And, there’s good reason for this.
Put simply:
It works.
Seriously, I don’t know what it is about us neurodiverse nerds thriving so much better in group settings than on our own.
Regardless of why it works, over time I’ve worked on internalizing the belief that “Engaging in partnered/group work = A valid ADHD accommodation to my lack of follow-through and distractibility symptoms.”
And thankfully, when it comes to practicing self-compassion in a group setting, there are an abundance of offerings.
For instance, you could sign up for a course in:
- Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC),
- Compassion Cultivation Training (CCT),
- Building Compassion From The Inside Out (taught by Thupten Jinpa)
- and/or Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) ⟵ FYI this program is generally aimed more towards professionals in the care economy (ie: nurses, therapists, social workers), although lay people have been known to take it and get great benefit from it too.
I’ve personally taken the MSC course myself once already in person (in pre-Covid times natch).
And I got so much out of it that I plan on taking it again soon, in the online format this time!
4. Read/listen to some books & audiobooks on self-compassion.
Aside from books by the founders of MSC—Kristin Neff & Chris Germer, I encourage you to read/listen to other books/audiobooks on self-compassion.
And then, most importantly, try actually experimenting with their suggestions.
I can’t stress the importance of this enough!
Don’t just read/listen to the books straight through like you would a novel.
- But actually stop and try out the exercises.
- Take notes.
- Scribble those A-HA moments you have in the margins of the books.
- Journal about what yr reading.
In this way, learning to be more self-compassionate is a lot like learning to swim: You have to actually get wet. Think about it, wouldn’t we expect someone to drown if the first time they jumped in the deep end was after having “learned” to swim merely by reading books about it?
Well, I’d argue that so too will most people (continue to) drown in the overwhelm of their difficult emotions if they only have an intellectual understanding of the suggested self-compassion practices!
With all that said, here are 5 other self-compassion authors that should not be ignored:
5. Prime yr brain with loving reminders
Write out ADHD-positive self-compassionate reminders, quotes, & slogans. And then place them strategically in areas that are known to wake up your harsh inner critic.
To get you started, Here are a few examples of how I would use this practice:
a) Because I still struggle with addictive/compulsive sugar consumption, I would put the following quote somewhere prominent in the kitchen:
“Self-compassion is more than a feeling; it means being willing to act and respond in ways that are helpful, kind, and supportive of ourselves, even when we’re in pain”
– Laura R. Silberstein-Tirch in “How to Be Nice to Yourself: The Everyday Guide to Self-Compassion: Effective Strategies to Increase Self-Love and Acceptance.”
b) Because, like most other women/trans people, occasionally my inner tyrant will get especially loud when I catch sight of myself naked, I would write out the following slogan and post it on the bathroom mirror:
“Just because today is a bad body day, doesn’t mean tomorrow will be. Also, try to remember, it’s a brave act of resistance to love my queer/trans lady body in such a misogynistic, transphobic society.”
c) Because I still struggle at times with workaholism and co-dependency wrt my day-job, I would write out the following reminder and place it somewhere at work:
“Reminder: The more time I spend at work (especially working overtime) = the less time I have to spend on other things I care about like my blogging business, my relationship with Gem, my other friendships/relationships, my hobbies, etc.”
To Recap
Self-compassion is the sense of concern that arises when we become mindfully aware of our own pain/suffering and are motivated to act.
There is a vast, and ever growing, body of scientific research proving that being more self-compassionate can help with a wide array of life’s difficulties…
… including helping with both the primary symptoms of ADHD, as well as a lot of the other yucky stuff that often comes along with ADHD, such as shame, guilt, & a sensitivity to rejection.
And while there are literally dozens (if not hundreds, or possibly even thousands) of ways to practice self-compassion, I suggested 5 as a starting place.
Let me know in the comments: a) how you practice self-compassion and b) what the experience has been like for you?